I have been using a wheelchair for about 2 years now. Over the past two years I have been using it more and more until a few weeks ago I realized I had not walked more than 10 or 20 feet in months. Wow, is FA progressing that quickly or am I just getting lazy?
So I decided to try a little experiment by doing one of the things I have steared away from for a long time. I bought a walker. I had been very hesitant because I didn’t think it was very cool. However I just turned 30 a couple weeks ago so I feel like I have earned the right to relax a bit on the trying to be cool thing. I have heard from a few old guys that one of the great things about being an old man is that you have earned it and there is less need to try to be cool. So just pretend when I say 30 I really mean 50…ok 60. Anyway I bought a walker. Actually it’s a little cooler than a walker. It’s called a rollator and it has 4 wheels and brake levers. I bought it on Amazon and when it showed up I immediately put it together and took a stroll down the hall. I felt like I was 8 feet tall! It was a nice change from sitting in the chair. And then I lost my balance and almost fell to the floor. This was going to take some practice but I liked it.
Today I decided to leave the wheelchair at home and just use the walker. I would need to stop at the store on the way home from work so I considered taking both, the chair for the long walk into the store and back, but I took a leap and left the chair at home.
I started to get a little nervous on the drive to the store after work. People are going to stare at the stumbling old man with the walker. What if I lose my balance and fall in the store? Then I thought to myself “Are you serious? You rode a tricycle across the country…twice, and you are worried about a 500 foot walk to the produce department and back?” then I thought “This is different, what if I fall, that would be embarrassing, maybe I should just eat what I’ve got at home and bring the chair tomorrow.” Then I thought “don’t let FA change what you are having for dinner.”
So I took the stroll into the store at about 530pm when everyone and their staring little kid were at the store. As I was half way to the spinach rack I was getting a little fatigued and stumbly and I was thinking “this was the worst idea ever, maybe I should just turn around before I make a scene” then I thought “don’t let FA change what you’re having for dinner.” I finally made it to the spinach and I got an avocado too. Then I paid for my goods and stumbled back to the car. I made it! Nothing bad happened! I did not use my wheelchair all day today and I ate a really good spinach salad with Wegman’s Greek Vinaigrette dressing (I would bathe in the stuff if I had enough, so good!).
My friend Roger Crawford spoke at the CHOP FA Symposium a few weeks ago and he spend quite a bit of time explaining the difference between fear and anxiety. Fear is grounded in real events and can be a positive motivating factor in many cases. However anxiety is the anticipation of a negative event whether it happens or not. Anxiety keeps us from doing many things. It’s the ‘what if’ that scares us.
If I had turned around and went home I would have eaten spinach salad with no spinach.
Today illustrated the point that we can’t let the ‘what if’ in life change what we are having for dinner.
